More Facts About Postnuptial Depression

I have to say three things before I really get into this article:

1. There doesn't seem to be any "hard science" out there about postnuptial depression, so be sure to take this info with a grain of salt. I tried my hardest to find out what the experts thought, but all the postnuptial depression discussions seem to be happening in wedding websites, women's forums, and beauty magazines. Take from that what you will.
2. I think that the term "postnuptial depression" sounds like a bunch of women sitting around in their wedding dresses weeks after their wedding, eating bonbons and crying over reality wedding specials on WE. However, it seems to be a blanket term that applies to any level of sadness, disappointment, frustration, or feelings of buyer's remorse post-wedding.
3. The only thing that I consistently learned is that if your post-wedding feelings are interfering with your life (causing you to miss work, keeping you from sleeping well, etc.) for an extended period of time after the wedding (a month or more), you should do yourself a favor and find someone to talk to, whether it's a professional therapist, a religious counselor, or someone provided through your insurance or place of emplyoment. Apparently, trying to "ride it out" after that point is unrealistic and could be harmful, since it's possible that there are other underlying issues.

Ok, that being said, this is what I learned about postnuptial depression:



Getting a bit of the post-wedding blues is apparently very common, although it happens to different people for different reasons and it could last anywhere from a couple of hours to a few months or more. It's also hard to tell exactly how many couples are affected, because most people don't necessarily end up seeking professional help, which would be the only way to get good numbers.  TIME magazine did an article about postnuptial depression that suggested many couples aren't ready for realities of being married and may have a hard time adjusting to the new lifestyle, which could lead to feelings of guilt and confusion in both parties. Here's a little bit of that article:

After the vows, to defeat the postnuptial blues, doctors say, couples should get adequate rest and exercise; communicate constantly; focus on the benefits of marriage, like having a built-in support system; and start thinking about the future in terms of family or finance. Women should stop thinking of themselves as "the bride" and throw out those wedding magazines, then plan social events for after the honeymoon, so they have other parties to look forward to.

Although I get where the article is coming from, it didn't seem very helpful or applicable, since many of the Disney brides I've heard from weren't disappointed with their new marriage, but rather with the end of their wedding planning and big event. I mean, obviously I don't have a ton of strangers writing me e-mails after their weddings to let me know that they aren't as crazy about their husbands as they thought they were, but I just feel like there's more to wedding blues than not feeling connected to your new life as a spouse.

I did find a blogger who had written about her experience with postnuptial depression first-hand, but again I didn't feel like her experience was universal. After the wedding, she sank into deep depression, withdrew from social activities, and began drinking heavily. Luckily, she sought help and got it, but her story didn't seem to fit with the stories of brides who miss making Mickey pomanders and looking at wedding cake toppers. Again, I felt like the story somehow missed the mark.

I found a couple of other articles on the subject, but again they pointed to a lack of communication and an unrealistic expectation about marriage as the biggest causes for post-wedding blues. I'm not saying that that's not a problem, but it just wasn't what I was looking for and I feel like it goes without saying that if you find yourself in a marriage where you're not communicating, you might want to talk to someone professionally, whether it's two months after your wedding or twenty years. 

When we were still engaged, I had actually read a book called The Conscious Bride that warned against post-bridal depression, as the author called it. I think I reviewed the book on here somewhere before because it was super weird and not at all helpful (apparently I'm not in touch with my womanhood enough to want to do a bonding ritual with my girlfriends), but I found an interview with the author that blames the wedding blues on the Cinderella syndrome and the pressure to have the perfect wedding. Now, I think this woman is pretty weird, but the point she made is a good one. There really is a lot of pressure to make the day perfect, which would explain disappointment if expectations aren't met. 

Surprisingly, I learned more about postnuptial depression on wedding forums (not just Disney forums), because lots of people seem to turn to their forum friends when they find themselves feeling a little down. A few Google searches turned up tons and tons of threads started by brides who just couldn't quite shake a feeling of sadness, regret, or emptiness after the wedding. The really interesting thing is that all of those articles I read would suggest that these women would be posting about feeling disconnected from their husbands, but only one or two seemed to have that problem. The rest were posting about:

1. Missing the excitement of wedding planning and wanting to keep reading wedding magazines and looking for things to add to the wedding.
2. Regret because they either spent a lot on something that wasn't worth it or decided not to pay for something that now they wish they had done.
3. Irritation because of drama among guests or the wedding party that was still affecting their relationships with those people (this sometimes seemed to also affect the relationship with their spouse, but not in an "I'm unprepared for marriage" kind of way)
4. Sadness because they were going to miss the excitement of planning their weddings on the forums, mixed with gratitude toward friends they had made and general public support
5. Feeling like they had lost a bit of identity, now that they were no longer "the bride"
6. Obsessively going over wedding photos and wanting to talk about it all the time, but finding that other people seemed to be tired of hearing about it

And here's what people were suggesting:

1. Starting a new project, such as planning an anniversary vacation, buying/redecorating the house, taking a community class, taking up a fitness program, or having a baby. (Although, on that last one, I can't imagine what Kyle would have said if I had told him I needed a baby to get over my post-wedding blues. I think he would have been uncooperative.)
2. Staying on the forums to share their experiences with brides who are still planning their weddings.
3. Making a detailed scrapbook with all of the photos and memories in one place and then sharing it online
4. Getting wedding drama out in the open to give people a chance to apologize (if it was possible that they didn't know how much stress they had caused)
5. Seeking professional help or some kind of social support group

See, don't you guys think that stuff is a lot more helpful than the whole "You were obviously a selfish bride who forgot about her husband and that's why you're unhappy as a wife" thing? Again, I'm sure lots of people do get married without being prepared...but to be fair, how do you totally prepare yourself? Kyle and I had known each other for seven years when we got married. We'd been together for four years and we'd lived together for one year. And you know what? We're both a whole lot better at marriage today than we were in the months after we got married and I'm really hoping we're even better at it in a couple of years (because that argument about the dirty socks in the living room is getting old).

So, I don't think it's fair to say that people didn't prepare enough for marriage just because the bride wishes she could do the wedding over again for whatever reason. The two don't have to be related, as far as I can tell. Thoughts?